It's Awesome Being Connected to Someone Who Also Wants to Be Connected

Hi, it's been a bit since I've written here, and I thought it would be good to share what's been happening with R and me. The news headline below inspired me. 

May you leave with a seed planted. 

"Rosalynn Carter, who as first lady worked tirelessly on behalf of mental health reform and professionalized the role of the president's spouse, died Sunday, November 19, 2023, at 96", according to the Carter Center. 

"Rosalynn was my equal partner in everything I ever accomplished," her husband, former President Jimmy Carter, said. " She gave me wise guidance and encouragement when I needed it. As long as Rosalynn was in the world, I always knew somebody loved and supported me."

About a month ago, I told R I loved him and put no pressure on him to say it back because I know how R rolls - he shows his love by actions or what he does - which I get because I show my love similarly, along with other ways. 

Yet, even though I understand R and how his love languages speak, my fears and insecurities slowly crept in, and my mind took me on a lonely and long-distance train ride that I don't remember agreeing to buy a ticket for. 

Here are what my fears and insecurities whispered and had me believing:

Ok, he and I don't talk when we're apart. I want more connection, but he seems to want something else. He makes time for everyone else in his life during the week; obviously, Shannon, you don't make the cut in some way, shape, or form. Why would he want anything more from you anyway? Maybe he thinks you're a fraud. It could be because you need to make more effort to watch the news or be informed about world politics, at least meet the man halfway. Maybe he doesn't want to share his day-to-day life with you when he's got other people to do that with. He wants to have fun, not be dragged down by someone suddenly stepping in on his boundaries. And that sad side of yourself that he's seen a few times now? - that'll get old quick, and he'll go elsewhere because you're supposed to be on top of it.   

I couldn't seem to not listen to the fearful voices in my head or see very clearly that R wasn't running off; he wasn't going anywhere. 

And eventually, those voices spun a web around until they took over. 

I wrote R a letter a week ago Monday, sitting at his kitchen table, writing words that, while not intentionally meant to be hurtful, ultimately were. The image of him reading the letter when he got home that night will never leave my mind. 

Although I wasn't there to see him read it, I knew the look on his face. 

The following eleven days were quiet. 

I heard nothing from R. 

My mind gnawed at what I wrote and everything else in my head.

I felt empty without the connection between R and me, and I didn't like it. 

This past Saturday, after seeing clients, I got in my car and momentarily spun everything around in my head. I didn't know what to do: drive to R or not. I messed everything up and was scared of what he'd say. 

Then, amid the mind fog, there was a small glimmer of clarity - R always grounds me back to the now; he's always been there and will continue to be because he cares. He's hurt right now and wants to give you space; you are sending him mixed signals, and he doesn't know what to do with it. Drive to him; he's your rock, and he needs to know that because right now, he feels like he cannot help you. Do not fear his words; listen to what he says and ask for his help. In return, all R asks of you is to be with him in his life.  

The message was clear: drive to R's and go where you're meant to be.  

As I pulled into the driveway and into my spot, I got out of my car, and R's daughter L came running outside to greet me, and his son J came from around the corner, giving me one of his goofy grins. I opened my arms, and they both came in for a group hug; being there felt right and good. 

Out of the corner of my eye, I watched R come down the stone steps, stopping at the curb's edge to say something to J. Leaving the group hug and with nervous hesitation, I walked over to him, hiding my eyes at first from his. I didn't want him to see my embarrassment or nervousness. I slowly re-entered his space, slipping my arm around his lean waist, praying that my gesture would be well-received.

It was, and we talked openly and honestly for the next few hours. 

He told me that during those eleven days, he also felt empty and didn't like it. 

He asked me if he was asking too much. 

No, R, you aren't; you are enough as you are and always will be for me. 

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Thanks for reading. 

I'd love to hear your thoughts; please comment below. 

Blessings

-Shannon Marie